Gadreel Remembers
by Delia Brethilwen
Summary: Gadreel. The angel who let Lucifer into the Garden, the one who was blamed for everything: the Fall of Humanity, the Apocalypse. All he needed was someone to listen, to understand. Unfortunately, that someone had been Metatron, and now he was locked in the prison of Heaven again, reliving his worst moments. All he wanted was redemption, to be forgiven for everything he'd done.


**AN: I watched the season 9 finale for the first time last night and I wrote this in the midst of my emotional trauma at 2 a.m. I knew all about Dean and his death and coming back as a demon, so though I did, in fact, cry for him, what really moved me and made me bawl was Gadreel's death. The fact that he felt the only way he could redeem himself was to sacrifice himself to allow Castiel to escape, and that he _knew_ his suicide would be the only thing to convince Hannah of his intentions just breaks my heart. He deserved so much better. He deserved someone sitting down with him and asking for his side of the Garden story and saying, "Yes, I believe you. You aren't alone." And it kills me that Metatron knew all this about him and used it against him. So I wrote this. I don't own anything Supernatural related.**

* * *

As the walls rise up around him, Gadreel says, "No, no, no, no! Not here!" All his memories come flooding back: the torture, the screams. Abner's screams. "Please. Please!" He could see Thaddeus' face, peering through the bars, waiting with another round of divine punishment. Everything came back to him, all those memories he'd tried to escape, to repress. He sank onto the hard stone, and he remembered.

He remembered the days when he was a proud angel, guardian of the Garden. He had loved humanity, loved them as his own children. That had been his downfall, he supposed. When his brother Lucifer had come, speaking of free will and teaching the humans how to think for themselves, Gadreel had let him in. Lucifer was so... compelling, so convincing. And even though he'd fallen, he was still so beautiful, still so powerful. Gadreel hadn't stood a chance. He hadn't known that knowledge of right and wrong would corrupt humanity, make them weaker and more susceptible to sin. And so he had watched them grow ashamed of themselves, of their purity, and be thrown out of the Garden and punished for something he allowed to happen.

He remembered all the thousands of years of torture at the hands of Thaddeus. How the prison guard had seemed to delight in making him scream. He remembered all the guilt and sorrow, but most of all he remembered the longing to die and just have it over with. How could a God of love allow him to be tortured for millennia even after he'd admitted his error? And then Abner had arrived, captured and imprisoned for leaving his post. And somehow, Gadreel found solace in the fellow angel. He found a friend. For seven hundred years they were imprisoned together, and Abner listened. He understood like no other angel had.

He remembered the Fall. Remembered the pain of plummeting miles through the atmosphere, his wings burning off in the heat, his wounds from the prison opening afresh. He hadn't had to search long for a vessel, but he knew he had to keep away from other angels or they would kill him upon learning his name. But when he'd heard Dean's desperate prayer to save his brother, Gadreel had paused. Here was a chance, he thought. A chance to take a step in the right direction, to help people. And he'd start with Sam Winchester.

He remembered Sam's soul, how tired he had felt and how ready he was to die. And Gadreel recognized the feeling, and he would have helped him, given him peace at the end. But Dean was insistent, determined to save his brother. The angel remembered Abner and he knew he would save Sam, knew he would save him for his brother. So he entered Sam's body and began to heal him and himself.

He remembered Metatron's offer: help him re-open Heaven and redeem himself. If he helped make the angels a family again, united together, he would be a hero. His days as a criminal, as an outcast, would be over. The idea of redemption was tempting: to walk freely in Heaven once again, among his brothers and sisters. No longer frowned upon or distrusted. And he gave in. He agreed to Metatron's deal.

He remembered killing Kevin Tran. The prophet had been no more than twenty. It had been difficult. The boy had already been taken from his home, had seen his girlfriend die, and believed his mother to be dead as well. The last thing he needed was to die himself. But Gadreel recalled all the times Kevin had said he just wanted to get it over with so he could have a normal life again. The angel knew there would be no normal life waiting for the prophet, even once he finished translating the tablets. Death, Gadreel decided, would in fact be the kindest thing for this boy. And that made it easier to place his hand upon the boy's forehead and smite him.

He remembered killing Abner. Abner, his best friend. Abner, who'd pulled him from the brink of madness and utter despair. Abner, who'd made a life for himself among the humans, with a wife and a daughter. He'd offered Gadreel the same, saying he could forget everything he'd done and just live as a human. But he believed he couldn't. He believed there was only one way to redeem himself. Yes, it had a price, but the price was worth it, as Abner himself said. He washed the blood - Abner's blood - from his hands and allowed a few tears to fall for his friend.

He remembered all the others he'd killed in the name of redeeming himself. In the name of restoring heaven. In the name of Metatron. That lying bastard! In his mind, Gadreel scoffed at himself. Too trusting, he thought. Too trusting of these angels who came to him with "better ways."

The conversation Hannah and Castiel were having pierced through his thoughts. "So now I'm expected to trust the word of an angel who's only ever thought of himself since the Garden?" she asked. At first he was offended, but then Gadreel saw it was the truth. He had been so caught up in clearing his own name that he had forgotten what his mission was, had been all along: serve and protect humans. His gaze fell on broken stone and he knew what he had to do. He was thankful for Castiel keeping Hannah's focus, allowing him to put his plan into action. He took the sharpest piece of stone he could find and carved into his chest the symbol he'd seen on the chests of the suicidal angels. He gritted his teeth through the pain and told himself this was for the angels he killed. This was to show Hannah that he was telling the truth about Metatron. This was how he would redeem himself, at last.

"I sat in this hole for thousands of years," he said as he finished the symbol. "Thinking of nothing but redemption, of reclaiming my good name. I thought of nobody, no cause, other than my own."

"You've been redeemed, my friend," Castiel said. Gadreel ignored him, thinking _This is for Kevin. This is for Abner_.

"The only thing that matters in the end is the mission - protecting those who would not and cannot protect themselves -the humans. None of us is bigger than that. And we will not let our fears, our self-absorption prevent us from seeing it through. Not anymore." There was only one way to save the humans: stop Metatron.

"No. Of course not." Castiel sounded confused.

"Move to the other side of your cell, Castiel, and keep your head down." And the only one who could stop Metatron was his brother, Castiel.

"What are you doing?"

And for Castiel to be released, Hannah must believe that Gadreel was telling the truth about Metatron. She came to his cell and saw the suicide sigil on his chest, fumbling the key to get him out. "When they say my name, perhaps I won't just be the one who let the serpent in. Perhaps I will be known as one of the many..."

"Gadreel." There was pleading in his brother's voice. _This is for you, Castiel._

"...who gave heaven a second chance." He looked into Hannah's eyes. "Run, sister."

He raised the stone and plunged it deep into his chest, using all his strength to channel the energy towards the cell doors. They were blasted open, and in the aftermath, Hannah leaned over him. "Do you believe him now?" Castiel asked as he stepped from the ruin of his own cell.

Gadreel had earned his redemption. He was free.

* * *

 **AN: I hope you enjoyed this in a heart-wrenching way. I hope that if you didn't understand Gadreel before, you do now, and that you have a new appreciation for his character. I intend on giving him a better ending in my fic She Is Not Of This World, so if you're interested in knowing this misunderstood angel better, look for that. Farewell.**


End file.
